25 Lessons for Dads

Your kids are always watching you, actions speak louder than words, and more...

Parenting is the most exhausting joy there is. Everything is just more. The highs are higher. The lows are lower.

There is no shortage of information written explicitly for moms, but there isn’t nearly as much for dads. For all that we hear about the “crisis of masculinity,” there’s a real dearth of thoughtful content on fatherhood.

I was thinking about this the other day, when a new Dad asked me about the most important lessons I’ve learned.

Here are some reflections after seven years of parenting:

1. Your kids are watching you, and your actions speak louder than words.

You are always modeling behaviors and mindsets. Don’t just talk about it. Be about it.

2. Never turn down hugs, cuddles, kisses, or invitations to hold hands.

If your child is asking for connection, give it to them—and to yourself, too.

It won’t always be this way.

3. Don’t repress your feelings.

Too many men have for too long. Let your kids see you feel deeply. Show them that you can hold and regulate your emotions.

4. At times, there may be tension between your work and your kids.

Everyone says, “Put your kids first.” Generally, this is good advice. But you can’t always do it. The main thing is that you don’t ignore the tension or push it away. It’s there to get you to pause and reflect. Do that, and the right path emerges.

5. If you're worried about your kid becoming addicted to their phone, start by evaluating your own digital device habits.

Create no phone zones—and not just for them, but for you too. Meal times are a great starting point.

6. Be sure your kids see you loving and respecting the women in your life.

While things have gotten a lot better, there is still plenty of misogyny out there, and it’s especially geared toward young kids on the internet (e.g., the Tate brothers). Be a role model and counteract this every chance you get.

7. A growth mindset says praise effort, not results, and that’s super important—but also tell your kid you love them just for being who they are.

There is so much pressure on kids these days to perform in all aspects of their lives. It’s crucial to let your kids know you love them at their core. Honestly, this will do more to help them succeed than anything else.

8. Don’t take youth sports (or other extra-curriculars) too seriously—it’s not about you, it’s about them.

It’s not about winning, it’s about having fun, learning life skills, gaining confidence, and developing character. Those traits are the real scoreboard, not runs or points.

9. You don’t have to be perfect.

Just be good enough.

The original concept—“good enough mother”—comes from the 1950s psychoanalyst DW Winnicott. But it applies to dads, too. Our job is not to pave the path, remove every obstacle, or swoop in and solve every problem for our kids. But it’s not to neglect them either.

Our job is to provide a loving, consistent, and secure space for our kids to unfold on their own. Be good enough. Over and over again. It’s the key to being a great parent.

10. Let your kids see your non-dualities.

My kids see my love of deadlifting and also my love of books. They see my love of music and sport. They see me be tough, and they see me when I am feeling weak and vulnerable. Show them all of this—it gives them permission to express their own multitudes.

11. Take care of your own health, physical and emotional.

Again, they are always watching you. If you want your kids to take care of their health, you'd better do the same.

12. Don’t neglect friendships.

Your kids need to see you building and maintaining relationships, too.

13. If you think your child has something to tell you, don’t try to force it out of them.

Play with them instead. Build a Lego together. Make a dollhouse. Do this, and they’ll share on their own.

14. Respond, not react.

This isn’t easy. But we can all take a beat from the popular kids’ television show, Daniel Tiger: When you feel so mad, that you want to roar, take a deep breath, and count to four. 1, 2, 3, 4.

15. When you mess up, which you inevitably will, say you are sorry.

Explain what you did wrong and how you’ll try to do better in the future. Repair matters more than rupture.

16. Let your kids see you excited and alive, whether it’s from work or hobbies.

It will help them seek excitement and aliveness in themselves.

17. Have rules around raising your voice.

For example, I try never to yell unless it’s an acute safety issue, like running into the street. When I mess up, I apologize.

18. The days are long, but the years are short.

This is a big cliche—and it is also one of the truest statements there is.

19. The best way to express your love is through your attention.

Not gifts. Not money. Not words. Attention.

20. You may fail from time to time.

I certainly do. Nobody is perfect. I often feel like I’m coming up short. I don’t think there is any way around this. I think it is just part of being a dad.

21. Right when you think you’ve got things figured out, they change.

This happens forever, I suppose.

22. It’s beautiful watching your kids grow up, but it’s also hard.

I want my kids to evolve and mature. At the same time, I desperately want to hit pause. This is just how it goes.

23. Be there for your kids when they succeed. Be there for your kids when they fail. Just be there.

You can always show support. And they’ll always benefit from that support.

24. Laugh together every chance you get.

There will be plenty of challenges. Savor the joyful moments. Life is short. Have fun whenever possible.

25. Love your kid like it’s the most important thing there is.

Because it is.