9 Rules to Save Youth Sports

Seventy percent of kids drop out by age 13—it doesn't have to be this way.

Fall youth sports are here. For many kids, getting outside, being physically active, and doing something concrete in the world is great.

But far too often youth sports turn into a total fiasco—crying kids, shouting parents, and nobody wanting to come back.

Research shows that 70% of kids drop out of by age 13. The number one reason they give: “It’s just not fun anymore.”

That’s absurd. Our kids deserve better.

I’m a huge proponent of youth sports. There are things you learn as part of a team or on a court that you can’t replicate elsewhere. Youth sports can also help instill a lifelong love of movement and other healthy habits.

But anger, pressure, and win-at-all-costs attitudes can undo all that good.

At worst, youth sports are doing the opposite of what they should: They aren’t building kids up, they are breaking them down. They aren’t a fun and connective experience for families and communities. They are causing stress and tension and at worst tearing them apart.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Here are 9 rules for youth sports for parents and coaches that can help:

1. You can not make greatness, but you can absolutely break it:

If a kid is going to be a great athlete, it’s going to happen on its own, not from your yelling or pushing hard. The truth is that all you can do at a young age is get in the way.

The job of parents and coaches is to create supportive environments for kids to develop and have fun. If pressure and stress are too high, kids stop wanting to play. Countless children who could have had great relationships with sports end up burning out because of parents and coaches. Some may have even been future stars. The number one goal should be kids wanting to play again next year.

2. The drive has to come from within:

Study after study on performance shows that intrinsic motivation is key. The best way to encourage intrinsic motivation is to let kids explore and find activities that align with their natural talents and temperaments, and then to let them have fun doing those activities.

The same research shows the best way to kill intrinsic motivation is to turn everything into a high-stakes competition where the entire point is to win.

Drive emerges over time, not because of your hype speech or treating the 9-U championship like it’s the World Series.

3. Love your kid, not what they do:

Kids want to be loved, supported, and cared for. If the only way to receive that is through a sport, they’ll play that sport. It’s great to connect with your kid over shared interests. But like most things in life, there’s a balance to strike. Your job as a parent is to love and support your kid in whatever endeavors light them up.

A healthy way for a kid to fall in love with something is because they want to, not because you want them to do.

4. Learning how to lose is a gift:

Anybody can win and keep going. But not anybody can lose and keep going. Youth sports get this backwards.

The point isn’t that you should intentionally try to lose. The point is that even when you try your hardest sometimes things don’t go your way. When this happens, it’s a chance to teach kids about resilience, courage, showing up, persistance, and grit. These lessons are probably the most important.

Sure, try to win your league. But remember that what happens after you lose is more important. It’s an opportunity to develop character.

5. The car ride home is the most important part—focus on effort not results:

After a big win or a challenging defeat, your young kid doesn’t want to be coached or lectured or compared to others. Resist the urge to do this. Just be there and love them.

Talk to them about how they are feeling. Compliment them on what went well. Ask them what, if anything, they are excited to work on.

Decades of research shows the way you instill a growth mindset is by praising effort (“I am so proud of you for playing hard during that tough stretch”) and not results (“You made the shot! I’m so proud of you!)

6. You don’t have to pay $5000 for a travel team or private coaching:

There is an entire industry that preys upon parents’ well meaning intentions and wanting to give their kids the best opportunities. But there is no evidence that playing on a travel team at a young age increases the odds that your kid is going to be an elite player.

Genetics matter. And so does not burning out. You cannot pay or travel your way to genetics. While there are some great travel teams that get it right, too many “elite” teams are actually just burnout factories for kids and parents alike. Don’t feel guilty for opting out.

7. If you are going to travel, set boundaries:

If your kid is above average and wants to play more often and with higher-level kids, that’s great! But beware of tradeoffs you’re making when signing up for a more competitive team.

Consider setting basic boundaries, such as “we won’t travel more than an hour.” And be sure that even if they do play on a competitive team, it is still a fun-first environment.

Once it is no longer fun, you are hurting not helping your child’s performance trajectory. Remember that you can’t force greatness but you can all too easily burn it out.

8. Resist the urge to focus on one sport:

Early specialization results in a significantly higher risk of physical injury and emotional burnout. Multi-sport athletes have longer careers, improve faster, and have a better chance of playing at the highest levels.

Encourage your kid to play all sports, and definitely don’t hold them back in the name of playing on a year-round team. It is a common trap and short-sighted. That coach may want to win at age 10, but it’s not what is best for kids at age 15-18.

Also remember that unstructured free-play (e.g., sandlot baseball) is great too, and helps develop physical and social skills.

9. Love and support your kid:

Youth sports should be fun. Your job is to love and support your kid—not their performance, but their being.

Nothing you do at age nine or ten is going to make your kid a division one athlete. But you can help them build a good relationship with their body, sound health habits, social skills, and character—and all of that will last a lifetime. It starts and ends with your love and support at every game and every practice.

Win or lose. Never forget this.