If You Want to Build Resilience, Get Comfortable Saying...

9 ideas that will help you weather life's storms

We live in chaotic times.

Resilience is not separate from the pursuit of excellence. It’s an integral part of it. Periods of disorder are unavoidable to even the smoothest human existence.

Neither personal nor societal progress is linear.
It’s more like an ongoing cycle of order, disorder, reorder.

How we think and what we do in that middle phase is crucial.

Here are some ideas to help. Consider each a tool in your resilience toolkit:

Trying to control the uncontrollable is tempting, but it’s a waste of time, energy, and a surefire path to anxiety. There is a difference between worrying about a situation and doing something about it.

Exerting agency, even if only in small doses, is key to health, well-being, fortitude, and progress. Identify productive actions that you can take, and focus there. If there is truly nothing you can do about the situation and you find yourself spiraling, then it’s a good time to take a walk, or to connect with others (more on this soon).

Acceptance isn’t passive resignation or giving up. It’s seeing things clearly.

Magical thinking and delusion catch up to all of us. If you can’t confront what is actually happening, then you can’t work with it in a meaningful way.

Think: “This is what is happening right now. Here’s what I can control, and here’s what I cannot. I’m doing the best I can.”

Move your body regularly. Sleep. Do what you can to eat nutritious foods.

Never letting these basics fall behind—at least not for too long—supports physiological and psychological strength.

If you feel guilty or indulgent for taking care of the basics, don’t. Daily habits serve as the foundation from which you can gain strength, show up, confront reality, and meet challenges. You’ve got to take care of yourself.

When it feels like the ground underneath you is shaking, tried and true routines provide stability and predictability. It can be as simple as your daily walk or run, morning cup of coffee, meditation practice, training session in the gym, or evening reading time.

The actual substance of the routine matters less than the fact that you have one. It’s about something that you can come back to again and again.

Study after study of resilience shows the benefits of social support and asking for help.

During periods of disorder there can be an urge to shut down and isolate. Do what you can to resist this urge. Odds are, many other people are feeling the same way as you. Vulnerability builds trust and deepens relationships. In relationship to each other we stay strong (enough) when we might otherwise struggle alone.

When I was researching for The Practice of Groundedness I was struck by what I learned about Redwoods: The roots of even the most massive redwood trees only run 6 to 12 feet deep. Instead of deep, they grow out, extending hundreds of feet laterally, wrapping around the roots of their neighbors. They help each other stand firmly in the ground, even amidst storms. This is a model for us, too.

Get clear on your values that are non-negotiable. These are your sources of ruggedness. But then, push yourself to be nimble on how you apply them.

Instead of viewing change as something that happens to you, view it as something that you are in conversation with. All successful systems, from individual cells to entire species, are successful because they adapt with their shifting surroundings. This doesn’t mean they just go wherever the flow takes them. But it does mean they evolve and grow over time.

They are not exclusively rugged. They are not exclusively flexible. They are rugged and flexible.

Reacting is immediate, rash, and we often regret it.

Responding is slower, more deliberate, and thoughtful. We tend to make better decisions when we respond instead of react.

Many philosophers have said that our freedom and humanity lies in the space between stimulus and response.

Creating this space is easier said than done. Something that helps is a brief heuristic I call the 4 P’s: pause, process, plan, proceed.

Research conducted by the psychologist Daniel Gilbert shows that we tend to look back on challenging periods of disorder in a much more productive and meaningful light than we experience them. In other words, sometimes nothing makes sense until you get to the other side, and that’s okay. If meaning and growth are going to come, they are going to come on their own time. You can’t force these qualities. In these harrowing instances, all that matters is showing up; showing up is plenty—and the real growth is learning to let it be enough.

Two things can be true at once:
1. Something can be unlucky or unfortunate or just downright suck.
2. And, you can be capable of getting through it.

It’s helpful to acknowledge both.