Optimizing Ourselves to Death

Perfectionism makes you fragile—here's a better way

Let’s start with two stories of actual greats:

Alysa Liu won Olympic gold after eating chocolate lava cake for breakfast. When asked about the rumor that she’d been eating it every morning at the Olympic Village, she laughed: “Oh my God, yeah, that’s a lie. But I did eat it for breakfast one time.” She then went on to admit, “I actually haven’t been waking up on time for breakfast, so that’s why it’s only been once.” She won two gold medals anyway—one individual, one team—becoming the first American woman to win an individual figure skating gold in over two decades.

Usain Bolt won three gold medals fueled by 1,000 McDonald’s chicken nuggets. In his autobiography, Bolt wrote that they were “the only food I could properly trust” after a bad experience with local cuisine. He ate them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then he went out and broke three world records.

Far too many people confuse perfectionism and optimization with excellence.

The Internet Loves Bullshit Optimization

A well-known health and performance influencer went viral for saying that eating a granola bar before bed made him sick for an entire day. Another one said that a glass of apple cider caused severe insomnia for a month. 24 million people watched that interview.

Y’all—this is insane.

The internet is full of strict rules and protocols for health and performance: Eat this way. Sleep that way. Wake at this time. Do this single exercise. Follow this guru, not that one.

But this content is more about the performance of being great than the actual pursuit of greatness itself. It attracts attention because it sells the illusion of control. In an increasingly chaotic era—an unpredictable economy, new technologies, geopolitical turmoil, 24-7 “breaking” news—control, even if it’s not particularly effective or meaningful, is an enticing force. We are desperate for it.

It’s easier to follow a specific protocol than it is to accept that life is uncertain, scary, and hard. There’s always a chance of illness, injury, or failure. It’s normal to have some level of anxiety, but trying to control every little thing doesn’t help. This sort of optimization and perfectionism makes you fragile—because if you need everything to go a certain way, you are going to struggle to get by, let alone thrive, as a mature adult. If you’re always holding on so tight to everything, eventually your neurosis gets in the way of your performance, and perhaps even makes you sick.

It’d be one thing if all this optimizing was beneficial, or even neutral. There’s something to say for the feeling of exerting agency, even if the things you’re exerting agency on don’t make much difference. The problem is that optimization is counterproductive.

Studies find that both self-oriented perfectionism (needing to follow your own rigid rules) and socially-prescribed perfectionism (needing to follow the internet’s rigid rules) predict anxiety, declines in performance, and burnout.

Researchers find two primary causes:

1. It’s utterly exhausting: In the world of optimization, once you’ve opened Pandora’s box, there exists a never-ending list of things you could be doing “better.” You find that there is a better way to hydrate in the morning, a better way to get sunlight, three new supplements to try, a peptide, two new health tracking tools, special glasses, a particular sauna to sweat in, a specific temperature for your ice bath, and on and on and on. (Never mind that the vast majority of these interventions have little to no evidence of benefit.) Eventually, you confuse what actually makes a difference toward your goals versus a whole bunch of elaborate nonsense—and the amount of energy required for the latter leaves you too tired for the former.

2. It’s lonely: Optimization also leads to isolation. For example, severe constraints on diet, routines, and sleep schedules lead to missing out on experiences with friends or family. You skip the birthday dinner because the restaurant doesn’t fit your macros. You can’t have a glass of wine with your partner because it’s not on the protocol. The more you optimize, the smaller your life gets and the less opportunity there is for productive spontaneity.

Actual Excellence is a Different Game

I interviewed over one hundred people who are the best at what they do for The Way of Excellence. Olympians, authors, musicians, and entrepreneurs. When I asked, “How often do things go according to plan?” No one has ever responded, “100% of the time.” Not once.

One of my favorite stories comes from golf. In the span of 8 years, JJ Spaun went from being ranked 584 and missing the cut in many big tournaments to capturing a major championship. But the night before he won the US Open, Spaun was awakened at 3 A.M. by his 2-year-old daughter Violet, who had fallen ill. She couldn’t stop vomiting. Spaun ran to CVS to get medication while his wife tended to his daughter. He described the sleepless night as “chaos.”

The next day, he outplayed the field and won the championship.

There is a scene in the Beatles documentary Get Back that begins with the band stumbling into a recording session with hardly any energy. Paul McCartney is visibly frustrated, noting that “Lennon’s late again.” George Harrison is yawning and struggling to keep his eyes open. Ringo Starr appears exhausted and zoned out. Nobody wants to be in the studio. Nevertheless, McCartney lazily begins strumming an A chord on his bass, gibbering ad-lib lyrics as he goes. Eventually, he lands on the words “get back.” Those two words have an immediate effect on Harrison and Starr, who return to life. Lennon finally enters the studio, grabs his guitar, and joins in. Herein lies the genesis of one of the most iconic songs ever written.

Imagine if the Beatles had decided not to get started that day. Or if McCartney had referenced a wearable that, based on a black-box algorithm, told him to “optimize” his performance, he would need to stay in bed and rest. Or if the band had told themselves, Today just isn’t the day, and created a self-fulfilling prophecy around that thought. We wouldn’t have one of the most iconic songs ever written.

For all that we know about human performance, it’s still wildly mysterious. If you think you need to control all the variables to perform at your best, then you will leave so many of your best days on the table. It is a fragility mindset that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In my own life: I’ve done my best work—at least based on critical reviews, bestseller lists, and reader comments—with two young kids, a dog, and two cats. Sleep is never what I wish it were. The house is always loud. Bedtime is an ordeal. I’m frequently exhausted. I coach soccer, baseball, and basketball; there are always games and practices. And yet, here I am. Yes, sometimes just surviving; but on my good days, perhaps even thriving.

I have non-negotiables: daily exercise, blocks of deep-focus work, not getting drunk, and at least trying to sleep at night. But otherwise, there’s no point in fighting the messiness of life. All it would do is exhaust me further, shrink my life, or perhaps both. I don’t think it would make me better at my craft, or happier.

The point isn’t to throw the baby out with the bathwater, go wherever the current takes you, and blindly accept the default options. That never works. A good life, let alone an excellent one, demands constraints. However, holding on too tight and trying to micro-manage everything doesn’t work either. If you fall into the endless spiral of optimization, you are chasing a false promise. You’ll never be able to control everything—and for all your efforts, you may be left more fragile than when you began.

This isn’t unique to me. Great performers figure out the hills worth dying on, but also how to be adaptable too. There’s a well-studied skill that makes it possible.

Self-Efficacy

Rather than worry about optimizing everything, we’d be wise to focus on developing what psychologists call self-efficacy: an evidence-based belief that you are capable of showing up, working through challenges, and excelling in uncertain or highly charged circumstances.

Decades of research show that individuals who score high in self-efficacy are better able to work through moments when they feel lost or stuck, be it on the playing field, in the studio, or in the boardroom.

If you are insecure about your process and abilities, then you’re liable to catastrophize when the path forward is unclear or when things feel off. You’ll turn to whatever promises your favorite internet influencer is peddling. But if you are secure about your process and abilities, if you have evidence to lean on, then not much can faze you.

The best way to gain self-efficacy, the research shows, is through experience. Which means that one of the best things you can do for your confidence is feel off and still perform well. It frees you from the need to have perfect conditions to give it a go. You provide yourself with the evidence that you are resilient, durable, robust, and can get the job done.

Human beings are not robots. Performing your best is not about optimizing a score on a screen or never having french fries. It’s about showing up consistently over a long period of time, expecting the ups and downs and obstacles in life, surrounding yourself wisely, and giving what you’ve got to give.

Resist the temptation to major in the minors. Figure out the main things in your craft (and life) and keep them the main things. It’s easy to over-control everything and burn yourself out. It’s much harder to focus on what actually matters and have the confidence to let go, even if only just a bit, on the rest.

Strength without flexibility is rigidity.

Flexibility without strength is instability.

You need both.

This post is adapted from my latest book, The Way of Excellence, an instant New York Times bestseller. If you found it resonant, the book is for you.